One of the absolute funniest things I’ve seen on the internet isn’t on this list. I was going to include a classic video of a crab waving a knife around. But sadly in researching this article I learned that the crab was not in fact some cool crustacean rebel without a cause who doesn’t take shit from anyone. The crab had been manipulated into holding the knife and the video was actually cruel.
There’s a similar dark truth behind most viral animal videos. You see a clip of a dog driving a car and you think “Ha ha! That hilarious!”, but then you find out that driving cars is a fear response and dogs only do it when they’re distressed, and the video is ruined. Ah well. I hope you enjoy this list anyway despite its paucity of knife crabs.
1. List of made-up baseball player names
When the Super Nintendo game MLBPA Baseball was released in Japan as Fighting Baseball, the names of the real players weren’t licensed. So the development team had to invent a list of fake but plausible baseball players. They absolutely nailed it.
Largemann (@lrgmnn)
fighting baseball for super famicom. some japanese guy had to come up with a whole league of fake american names pic.twitter.com/4lwzoBpg9f
December 27, 2016
This is a perfect list of American names. Some people will tell you that Bobson Dugnutt is the best name on the list, but in my opinion the real star is Mike Truk. Mike Truk doesn’t exist but nonetheless I firmly believe he is the greatest American who ever lived.
2. “I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl”
jawbroken (@jawbroken)
November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone
November 7, 2010
Some phrases you read once and they get lodged in your brain permanently, reappearing with alarming frequency to derail your train of thought. “She doesnot leave the lizard alone” is one of those phrases for me. This was originally a reply to a blog post about the 2011 Muppet movie. Was it a sincere opinion about the Muppets? Was it meant to be funny? Who knows. All I can say is that like all the best comedy it also exposes a deeper truth: the pig girl is awful and really should leave that lizard alone.
3. Broken toy that only says “skin”
4 (@4eyes_)
I found this in a charity shop. It used to sing a tune, now all it says is "Skin" 👀 pic.twitter.com/QqbvrVxdu8
December 5, 2016
What’s the most unnerving single word that a broken toy could say? “Skin” would have to be a top-five contender. This is a video I can watch on loop for ages. It gets funnier every time the toy says “skin”. Maybe there’s a number of times after which the word “skin” would stop being funny, but I haven’t found it yet.
4. Kid with a knife
I’m still sad that I couldn’t include the knife crab so here’s the next best thing: a knife child. What a champ. None of us will ever be as happy and confident as this small boy running with an illicit knife.
madison meyers (@madmeyers)
i just laughed for 15 minutes straight pic.twitter.com/zAMgWglksE
September 17, 2017
5. Speedboat Noah
Joey Alison Sayers is a very funny cartoonist and I think about this comic of hers a lot. Noah blasting away in a speedboat is a perfect punchline. It’s criminal that this currently has less than a thousand likes on Twitter.
joey alison sayers (@joeyalison)
Noah pic.twitter.com/iq9AXkkMg4
October 28, 2016
Meanwhile Jim Davis, who has never made me laugh, is living in a solid-gold mansion shaped like Jon Arbuckle’s head and whenever he gets hungry he presses a button on the wall of any room in the house and a pneumatic tube fires a piping-hot slice of lasagna into his mouth. This isn’t true but imagine if it was. I’m thinking about it and shaking with rage.
6. Gord Is Real
Ben Jenkins (@bencjenkins)
@RichardDawkins can you confirm you said this? I have listened to some recordings and I have my doubts. pic.twitter.com/2x7wCanDuR
July 28, 2015
Social media can be a levelling force that puts powerful people on an equal footing with the rest of us. Take, for example, this fake Richard Dawkins quote created by Ben Jenkins. Dawkins replied to the tweet, saying, “No of course I didn’t say it. I don’t even get the joke. If it is a joke.” That’s the magic of social media. Richard Dawkins is a famous and respected scientist. Ben Jenkins is, to put it mildly, not a famous and respected scientist. Nonetheless, Dawkins had to look at this stupid quote Ben made up and be annoyed by it for at least five seconds.
7. 9 Geese Who Have Taken Over My Daughter’s Bedroom And What Each Of Their Jobs Seems To Be
ClickHole (@ClickHole)
9 Geese Who Have Taken Over My Daughter’s Bedroom And What Each Of Their Jobs Seems To Be https://t.co/jfi39bmguJ pic.twitter.com/CQRUh3LgTK
February 29, 2016
Some animals are inherently funny. Crabs are one. Geese are another. This Clickhole article is the pinnacle of goose-based comedy.
8. Notes On “Sweet Child O’ Mine”
Speaking of articles that I can’t embed, here’s a classic McSweeney’s piece by John Moe: Notes On “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” As Delivered To Axl Rose By His Editor. Before I read this, I must’ve heard that song hundreds of times and never really thought about the lyrics. Axl Rose probably never thought much about the lyrics either. But John Moe did, and he ruined the song forever. All I can think about when I hear it now is hair caves.
9. Dark Stock Photos pasta gun
A thing you see a lot online is someone reposting a joke and saying “why is this funny?” followed by the cry-laugh emoji. This is frustrating, as the answer is normally “because it’s a joke”. But then sometimes the question is appropriate.
April 27, 2018
Dark Stock Photos (@darkstockphotos)
Why is a stock photo of a gun on a plate of spaghetti one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the Lynchian combination of banality and implied violence. Or possibly it’s just that this is, by any standard, a terrible meal. If you got served this at a restaurant, you’d be fuming.
10. The end of Whiplash except it’s the Mute City theme from F-Zero
Andy Kelly (@ultrabrilliant)
The end of Whiplash except it's the Mute City theme from F-Zero. pic.twitter.com/8Mry5KQetr
April 24, 2018
Andy Kelly, who created the Dark Stock Photos account, also made this video. This joke isn’t for everyone. To enjoy this you have to be familiar with the movie Whiplash, and the soundtrack of the game F-Zero, and think combining the two is funny. How many people fall into that category? It turns out it’s at least 9400. Without the internet it just wouldn’t be possible for a joke like this to be seen by the exact 9400 people who would enjoy it.
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Pixelated Boat: the 10 funniest things I have ever seen (on the internet) - The Guardian
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